How Not to Take On Too Much - It's OK To Say No - Mark J Holland NLP Mind Coach

“The best executive is the one who has sense enough to pick good men to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.” - Theodore Roosevelt

People are always going to ask you to do things for them. That’s life. Often we are asked to make commitments we don’t feel comfortable with, don’t have time for, or just plain don’t want to make- but saying “no” makes us feel even worse than agreeing to something we don’t like.

Women especially fall victim to the over-commitment syndrome. You should make it a habit to say “no” more often, particularly when you know that agreeing to take on a certain commitment is going to wreak havoc with your life, even though the little voice in your head is telling you accepting would be the “nice” thing to do. When it comes to your sanity, the nicest thing is to make sure you don’t over-extend yourself and end up performing a large number of tasks with substandard results.

The first step in learning to say no is deciding which things you should agree to commit to, and which things are all right to pass on. This decision should stem from your personal priorities; the things that are important to you and your life. This is one reason why it’s important to define your goals clearly when you begin using the power of positive thinking. Weigh each request against your goals and decide whether agreeing to them would move you closer or further away from your objectives.

When you come to a point where you must refuse a request, there are several ways to say no without hurting feelings or making yourself appear inconsiderate. Be as honest as possible when saying no, and you will be able to proceed with a guilt-free conscience.

Need an excuse? Here are the top ten ways to say no nicely:

1. “No.” Sometimes, the best way to refuse is politely, but directly. If someone in your life is constantly asking you to do things they could easily handle themselves, a firm “no” is the only way to get them to stop. Another approach to problematic people with frequent requests is to tell them, “I know you’ll do a great job handling it on your own.”

2. “I’m in the middle of several other projects/commitments right now.” Don’t be afraid to tell people when you’re busy. Most will respect your schedule and find another way to fulfill their requests for help. You shouldn’t be expected to drop tasks you’ve already committed to in order to complete new ones.

3. “I need to focus on [my career, my family, my personal life] at the moment.” If you’re going through a difficult time in another area of your life that requires your attention, don’t hesitate to refuse taking on extra requests. You don’t necessarily have to explain your specific reasoning for taking a pass; just indicate that you

4. “I don’t feel I’m the best person to handle that task.” When you don’t feel qualified to handle something requested of you, say so. Explain that you don’t want to do a poor job, because you know this task is important to the person asking you to do it. Chances are, they want the task done well, too.

5. “I can’t do it, but I know someone else who can.” Only use this “no” form if you truly know someone who can not only handle the task, but has the time to do it. It’s nice to be able to offer alternative help, but only if you can follow through on your offer. Referring people to someone else who won’t be able to help either will be viewed as a brush-off; the person who originally came to you will think you never actually wanted to help them in the first place.

6. “I’m not comfortable/don’t enjoy doing that.” Stick to your guns. If you’re asked to do something that seems wrong or a task you despise doing, don’t agree to it and explain why. This way you will be able to avoid repeat requests for the same thing.

7. “I can’t help right now, but ask me later.” Again, be honest with this statement. If you really do want to help out, but just don’t have the time when the request is made, let the person asking you know that you’d be happy to help out when you can. If possible, give them a specific availability, like tomorrow or next week, when you know you’ll be free. If they need the task done before then, they will find someone else.

8. “I have no experience with this type of task.” This is similar to stating you’re not the best person for the job, but more significant- at least for you. When you take on a task for someone else, you shouldn’t have to learn a whole new skill set just to complete one thing. However, if it’s something you were planning to learn anyway, you might want to take advantage of the opportunity to learn something new.

9. “I know you want to [other person’s objective] but I can’t get away from [other commitment] right now.” This is a polite way to acknowledge the needs of the other person while refusing to overburden yourself. This can also open the opportunity to handle the root issue of the request in a way that is convenient for both of you.

10. “No, but...” If for whatever reason you can’t commit to a request, you can offer an alternative that would be beneficial to the situation. Perhaps you’re unable to perform the specific task requested, but there is another aspect of the project you would be able to help out with. Again, this leaves your options open without making you seem callous or unconcerned with whomever is making a request of you.

Practice saying no both at home and at work, whenever you’re asked to take on more than you know you can handle. Overextending yourself can be a hard habit to break, but it is an essential step in getting out of your own way so you can accomplish your life’s goals. You deserve time for yourself, and you must be responsible for ensuring your personal needs are met.

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Is Positive Thinking really worth It? - Mark J Holland NLP Mind Coach

“There’s only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.”
- Aldous Huxley

As you practice using positive thinking, you will find that things begin to change for you. Sometimes the change is so gradual you don’t notice anything at all, until one day someone else tells you that you seem different. They may ask if you’ve gotten a new outfit, changed your hair, lost weight, or won the lottery. Tapping in to positive thinking not only makes you happier, it also makes you more attractive; the kind of person others want to be around.

Now that you’ve had some experience, you might recognize some of the common signs of positively charged people. Check out this list of things you have to look forward to.

You Know You’re a Positive Thinker When:

• Your grueling drive to work goes by so quickly, you wonder why it ever bothered you in the first place.

• The clerk at the grocery store gives you the wrong change, you point it out with a smile- and she happily corrects the mistake.

• You waited in line at the post office for twenty-five minutes on your lunch hour...and your life didn’t end.

• The new part for your car finally arrived at the garage after a week on backorder, but it was the wrong one. You were so nice about accepting the delay when the garage called that they offered you a substantial discount on your repair bill.

• Every time you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror, you’re smiling- and you don’t think you look like a moron.

• You put the oven on too high and burned dinner...then wound up having something even better than you’d planned.

• Suddenly you have a lot more free time on your hands, and plenty of things to do with it- plus enough energy to do them.

• The last time you thought the word can’t was in the phrase I can’t believe all these great things are happening to me.

Positive thinking has the power to change your life, as long as you believe it does. As you continue to use positive thinking techniques, you will find you don’t have to put much effort into achieving what you want.

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How to Hook Up to Positive Energy - Mark J Holland NLP Mind Coach

“No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit.”
- Helen Keller

Enthusiasm is the sunshine of your mind’s garden. Possessing enthusiasm for all that you do is essential to the process of positive thinking. Just as plants require sunlight to develop and grow, utilizing the power of positive thinking requires enthusiasm to energize your potential and ensure an endless supply of fuel.
You will discover that the more enthusiasm you generate, the more energy you’ll have to put in. There are some things it will be easy to generate enthusiasm over, and others where you’ll have to stretch yourself to find what will spark your enjoyment. For example, no one has trouble generating enthusiasm for spending an unexpected bonus from work or taking a night out. However, you may find it hard to get excited about washing dishes or filling out your tax return forms. But part of the magic of positive thinking is developing the ability to find the good things in any situation and use them to get through the difficult parts.

Like developing a positive mindset, enthusiasm must be cultivated and sheltered from potentially damaging emotional storms. There are several methods you can use to put a dose of passion into everything you do, whether it’s finally taking that dream holiday or cleaning out the garage. You can choose the method that best fits whatever situation you’re facing and ensure yourself the energy to tackle anything life happens to throw at you.

What’s In It for Me?

One of the most elemental solutions for finding enthusiasm is to focus on the benefit you will derive from completing a particular task. In some situations it’s easy to discover the benefit. For instance, you may hate wrapping presents, but you know the person you’re giving the present to will be overjoyed when presented with this lovely paper-wrapped gift, and so you derive happiness from envisioning the recipient opening the present. This is an especially useful tactic when you’re still up at 2 a.m. on Christmas morning trying to figure out how to wrap the bicycle you’ve just spent three hours putting together.

Other circumstances will not have such obvious benefits. If you were to find yourself trying to change a flat tire on the side of the road in the middle of a rainstorm it would undoubtedly be difficult to find your silver lining. Under stressful circumstances, give yourself permission to think of the wildest benefit you can come up with. Perhaps you were on your way to a party you would rather not have gone to. In that case, your flat tire would give you the perfect excuse to turn around and go back home.

There is some good in every situation, whether it’s in the form of a benefit or a lesson to be learned (Lesson One: Never drive with questionable tires through a thunderstorm to a party you didn’t want to attend in the first place). You can harness the power of positive thinking by finding that good and exploiting it, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem.
The Buddy System

If you’re having trouble summoning enthusiasm for a particular task, try to seek out someone who enjoys doing that sort of thing and ask them to partner up with you. Like smiling, enthusiasm is contagious. If you spend some time observing another person’s enthusiasm, some of it is bound to rub off on you.

If you don’t know anyone who might be enthusiastic about what you’re trying to accomplish, try going online to look up articles or blogs (web logs, which are usually personal, regularly updated online journals) pertaining to the subject. Sometimes merely reading about someone else’s enthusiasm can help you find some aspect of the task to enjoy, and get you through it with a minimal amount of stress, anxiety and dread. (Be warned: it may be difficult to discover anyone who enjoys scrubbing toilets or emptying cat litter boxes. In these cases, you might be on your own!)
Knowledge is Power

Muddling through a particular task or project can be daunting if you don’t know what you’re doing. If you’re the type of person who never asks for directions or reads the instructions, you may be tempted to take on challenges in areas where your knowledge is limited. Even if you’re not, you may find yourself faced with taking on a task you don’t feel qualified to handle, whether it’s filling in for someone in a different department at work or changing an baby’s nappy for the first time.

The more you know about what you’re doing, the easier it will be to accomplish. This may seem self-explanatory, but many people don’t realize that you can always find out more information. It only takes a few minutes to look up something on the internet, consult a reference book, or call up someone you know has experience with the issue you’re facing.

Gaining knowledge has other benefits as well. The more you know about a given subject, the better you will be able to focus on your goal and work toward it. You cannot reach your destination if you cannot find the path. Look upon knowledge as the pruning shears of your mental garden, clearing the way for enthusiasm to grow and spread. With the right set of tools, you can accomplish any task easily.

Sign on the Dotted Line

Being committed to achieving your aim is essential to generating a sense of enthusiasm. Whether you want to have gleaming white teeth or flash your pearly whites at crowds of thousands as you accept your Academy Award or Gold Logie, you should be completely committed to what you’re trying to accomplish.

One way to cement your personal commitment is to outline a step-by-step plan for reaching your goals. You can do this with any task, no matter how great or small (though you might save time to generate a mental plan for things like washing the dinner dishes, as it might take you more time to write it all down than it would to actually wash them). On a sheet of paper- or for monumental tasks such as changing careers, at the beginning of a notebook- note your starting point: where you are now. Leave yourself some space, and then jot down where you want to be and how long you plan on taking to get there. Then go back and break down the process of getting from point A to point B in detailed steps. This not only helps you to visualize reaching your goal, it also allows you to cross steps off as you complete them. Your enthusiasm will be sustained as you move further toward your goal.

While you’re writing things down, consider creating a contract with yourself to reach your objective. You can even ask a friend or family member to act as a witness, which will further solidify your intentions to follow through. Your contract can be a simple document stating your promise to yourself, or a detailed map of the things you will do to help yourself reach your aims, with deadline dates for additional motivation and bursts of enthusiasm. Keep your contract posted visibly to remind yourself of your intentions. Every time you see it, you will find yourself eager to achieve your goal and fulfill your contract.

Dangle Your Own Carrot

Ask any business owner and you’ll find out that rewards are one of the most powerful motivators. People are more willing to work toward a goal when they know they will get something out of it at the end. Since your boss probably won’t reward you for losing weight or remodeling your bathroom, you can plan to give yourself a reward when you meet a given goal.

When selecting self-rewards, be sure to match them to your goals. This will not only ensure you don’t get tired of the same reward, but will also help you when you’re planning the strategies you’ll use to accomplish your aims. For example, if you’d like to spend less time watching television and more time outside or with your family, you can reward yourself with a trip to the theater to see a great movie. If you’re planning to quit smoking, part of your strategy could be to set aside some of the money you’ll save by not buying cigarettes and get yourself a new outfit, or something you’ve had your eye on for a while but haven’t been able to afford.

Some goals come with intrinsic rewards already built in, yours for the claiming when you reach your objective. For example, if you’re going to start your own business, you already know you’ll be rewarded by working for yourself, possibly even by working out of your home. Whether you’re working for an intrinsic reward or providing yourself with an incentive, treating yourself is a great way to generate enthusiasm for the task at hand.


Surrender

That’s right. Sometimes, you should just give up.

This may not be the type of advice you’d expect to find in an article about positive thinking. However, there is a specific time when you should surrender- and that is when you hate doing what you’re doing.

“Like what you do. If you don’t like it, do something else.”
- Paul Harvey

Too many people end up settling for the life they think they ought to have, the life others have told them to expect, or the life they believe they’re stuck with. You must realize that there is room on this planet for everyone, and if you’re feeling trapped in a job you despise or a living space you can’t stand, you need to make a change- not down the road, when you have time, or as soon as you get whatever it is you’ve been waiting for; but right now. That elusive “someday” is always going to be in the future, and you can’t catch up to the future. Now is the only time you have.

This doesn’t mean you should drop everything and throw caution to the wind- at least, not in most cases. If you’re like most people, you have responsibilities that must be taken care of. However, there is always something you can do right now to cast out your net and catch “someday,” and start pulling it toward you. Do you hate your job, but lack the experience to get a different one? Start taking night classes or sign up for an online course. There are hundreds of accredited universities offering distance learning classes over the internet. Is your house or apartment located in a neighbourhood that started out great, but is becoming worse every day- and you haven’t found the time or the money to move? Take a close look at your budget and see if there’s anything you can do without for a few months, or ask your landlord or bank if they have any other properties you could look into.

Waiting fuels the fires of apathy. Doing something about your situation, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, can start a chain reaction of enthusiasm that will energize you to reach your goals. You deserve to get what you want out of life while you’re still here to enjoy it. Don’t put it off another day, because your “someday” is right now!

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Are Your Thoughts Negative or are Your Thoughts Positive Discover how to Change Your Mind, and Change Your Life with Mark J Holland NLP Mind Coach

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
- Abraham Lincoln

When tapping in to the power of positive thinking, the most important step is to create a mindset that allows you to think positively. Once you have pulled the weeds from your mental garden, you can begin to sow the seeds that will anchor your new way of life.

Creating a positive mindset takes training. In much the same manner as runners train their bodies to endure long periods of sustained activity, you can train your mind to sustain positive thought, and naturally defer to pleasant or optimistic paths. At first, thinking positively may feel awkward or ridiculous (particularly if you’re the type of person who believes perky morning people should be shot). Keep in mind, though, that it does get easier the more you do it, and eventually, sustaining a positive mindset will be as natural as breathing.

Like any training program, there are steps you can follow to achieve your optimal results: in this case, a positive mental outlook. You may recall that it takes 21 days to form a new habit (When you make an appointment with an NLP Coach it can be done over a few sessions). Therefore, you should perform each of the steps for at least 21 consecutive days. You can take on one step at a time, or implement the whole program; just be sure you aren’t leaving anything out.

Step up to your mental treadmill, and let the training begin!

Warm-up: Shake Out Negative Kinks

When you think about it, it’s obvious: negative is the opposite of positive, so in order to instil a positive mindset you need to get rid of negative thoughts. Sounds simple enough, right? The process is an easy one, but it takes practice to make it stick.

The first step in clearing negativity from your mind is to really pay attention to your thoughts. Whenever the words can’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t, won’t, not, or never enter your mind, concentrate on what you’re thinking and turn it around to eliminate the negative wording. For example:

Your spouse and children are gone for a few hours, and you have the place to yourself. You’re indulging in one of your favourite activities. In the midst of your enjoyment, you start to feel guilty. You think: I really shouldn’t be doing this. I could be getting started on the project I promised someone else I’d take care of. Your enjoyment starts to fade, and you stop what you’re doing, resentful that you have to tackle this boring project when you have so little time to yourself...

Does this sound familiar? The moments you hear yourself think shouldn’t, stop right there and change direction. In this scenario, you might instead think I really should be doing this. Taking time for me is important, and when I’m relaxed and satisfied I will be able to do a better job on that project I promised someone else. I’m so glad I got the opportunity to do something I enjoy.

Try to do this every time a negative thought creeps in. The more often you banish negative ideas from your mind, the easier positive thinking will become. You will be more relaxed and receptive to positive solutions.

Work Those Mouth Muscles

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a smile is worth a million. The power of a smile is incredible. Even if you don’t feel like smiling, the simple act of lifting the corners of your mouth can help you lift your entire spirit and find something worth smiling about. Some of the greatest self-help advice out there comes from those who advocate “fake it until you make it.” This is especially true when it comes to positive thinking, and faking a smile goes a long way toward producing the genuine thing. You may end up laughing at yourself merely because you know you have nothing to smile about.

Another great thing about smiles- they’re highly contagious. A smile spreads faster than a cold in a daycare. Most people can’t help smiling back when someone casts a happy expression their way. This is a simple and exciting theory that you can test out for yourself. Go to any public place and start smiling at random people, then keep track of how many smile back (even suspicious smirking counts!). You’ll likely find that 9 out of 10 of your targets return your joyful expression to some small degree, and you’ve probably just made their day a little brighter, too.

Learning to smile on demand is an important step in developing a permanently positive mindset. One good technique for summoning smiles is to choose a happy memory that never fails to fill you with good feelings. Keep this memory at the front of your mental catalogue, and access it whenever you feel a case of the blues coming on. It may not solve your problems, but it will at least make you smile- which in turn helps you relax and take an objective look at your situation. Smiling often creates a mental cue for the foundation of positive thinking and helps prime the pumps of happiness.

You should also spend a little time in front of the mirror observing your own expressions. At first this practice may seem uncomfortable or downright silly, but smiling at your own reflection has a positive effect on your psyche. You can even practice different smile variations: the amused smirk; the close-lipped leg-pulling smile; the toothy grin; the laugh-out-loud open-mouthed smile. Think of it as an Olympic event...it’s your personal Smile Marathon, and you’ll win the gold every time!

Do Some Reps
When developing a positive mindset, the importance of repetition cannot be understated. Exercise is the key to building any muscle, so by viewing your optimistic outlook as a muscle, you can develop a reserve of happiness that will carry you through the most gruelling events.

This is not to say you shouldn’t worry about anything. Ignoring troubling events won’t make them go away. It’s important to face your problems while looking at them through a positive lens. The positive mindset itself doesn’t erase your troubles. It is simply a tool to allow you to find a solution without burning yourself out through stress and anxiety. You will find it far easier to solve problems when you can step back and look at the situation in a positive light; and often the solution will present itself with little effort, simply because your mind is clear and open enough to notice it.

The more you practice positive thinking, the more naturally it will come to you। You will find that frustrating everyday occurrences dwindle to minor nuisances, and eventually cease to trouble you altogether. Keep practicing positive thought processes, and you will be well on your way to a low-stress, high-energy lifestyle that will allow you to accomplish anything you desire.

Cool-Down: Feel the Burn

As you come to the end of your daily positive thinking workout, look back and reflect on your progress. Was there anything that seemed easier to you? Were you able to find a faster solution to a problem that would have ordinarily eaten up a lot of time in worrying? Do you feel more relaxed and ready to try again tomorrow?

Congratulate yourself on your victories. By reinforcing your accomplishments, you help to firm the foundation of your new positive mindset and lay the groundwork for your success. Every positive thought brings you one step closer to your ultimate goal. You will soon realize that you can do this, and you will have much greater enthusiasm as you proceed.

Now that you’ve planted the seeds for positive thinking, the next step is to learn how to care for your mental garden. In my next blog you will discover the fuel you need to nurture your seeds and coax new shoots from the soil of your mind. Meanwhile, keep pumping that positive thinking iron!

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